Summer 2010 Playlist

For the first time in my life, I like so many different genres of music right now! My favorite is probably British Pop/Indie Electronic. I'll break it down and give you a sample of what you might hear if we were sharing headphones.

Lily Allen: Who'd Have Known
Stars: Set Yourself On Fire
Regina Spektor: On The Radio
Death Cab For Cutie: A Lack of Color
Imogen Heap: Canvas
Duffy: Mercy
The White Stripes: We're Going To Be Friends
Adele: Cold Shoulder
The Postal Service: Sleeping In
The Pierces: Kill! Kill! Kill!
The Shins: Australia
Meiko: Piano Song

When God's answer is "maybe"

I am a firm believer in prayer. I have seen a lot of evidence that God not only hears my prayers, but He also answers them. Like the time I prayed that my friend's living situation would miraculously change and two days later she told me that she moved! Or like the time I was sitting under the stars... squinting to see them in the Sacramento light pollution, and decided to ask God for a shooting star, even though it would be nearly impossible to see, and a few minutes later a bright purple and gold shooting star streamed across the sky! Sometimes it pleases God to answer my prayers with a "yes" almost immediately. Sometimes He answers "no" and I accept it and move on. But I haven't quite figured out yet what to do when His answer is "maybe".

I don't like "maybes". I am a person who likes definitive answers, clear expectations, and trustworthy committment. I like to know where I stand... and how long I'll be standing there. So, naturally, when I ask God for help with something I want a straight-forward answer right away. But sometimes God has other plans...

So, my question and confusion when God's answer is "maybe" is how do I appropriately respond? I mean, I trust God, and I can say I trust God... but then what? Does trusting God mean I sit back and do nothing? Or does it mean that I keep doing what I'm doing until he closes the door? And then what if the "maybe" turns into a "no"... then how do I ward off discouragement? How do I keep hope alive when He answers with "maybe" again in the future?

I'm just sick of "maybes" and I feel myself starting to get frustrated and cynical. When will it be a "yes", Lord?

Woah!

I haven't made a post on this thing in FOREVER! Almost 9 months! Sheesh. Well, I think it's time to change that. I have a lot rolling around in my head, it's just a matter of finding the time to type it out!

2009...already?!?

Today is the first day of 2009. I wonder what this year holds for me? So far, it seems to include a lot of patience and waiting. I don't like patience, nor waiting...so this could be fun. Hehe...

There are so many things that I want to happen RIGHT NOW, but alas, I must wait. There is so much value in waiting for God's perfect timing. In many past experiences I have forged ahead and expected God to just meet me where I ended up; but now that I am more mature, I would rather follow His lead. The only problem with that is that He's a tricky leader! I really have to pay attention or I get totally distracted and start following all kinds of bunny-trails.

So, this year will be different in that I refuse to forge ahead, and I refuse to follow any path other than the one I see Him leading me down. I have made too many mistakes in my life and for once I want to do it right. So...I wait.

Tic toc...tic toc...tic toc...

Musings

I'm at work and I'm bored so I thought I'd blog a little. You see, I'm kinda stingy with vacation time, so if I don't have to take it off I won't. Hence why I'm here three days before Christmas and my office is totally empty and dead. Ah well, I'll add it to a longer vacation later...suckas! Hahaha...

Anyway, yesterday in my quiet time I was chatting with God about how frustrated I am with myself. The last few months have been really tough, but through that time my relationship with Him grew by leaps and bounds. I learned so much about my identity, my strength in Him, and his never-ending faithfulness. There were times I would just hold my Bible to my chest and weep, crying, "I don't understand, God...but I stand upon your Word of Truth and put my trust in you." It was a long hard couple of months...

But now things are looking up. My infection is gone and the damage it has done to my skin has made remarkable improvements! I am becoming more social again and finding so much joy in being around people I haven't seen in a while. But, as I gain more confidence, I find myself slipping away from my dependance on God.

I don't understand how to manipulate this teeter-totter. When I'm utterly broken, I know that my soul's sufficiency is Christ. I walk in that and find myself growing and learning at a rapid rate. But then, as soon as things get better, I find myself forgetting what I've learned and reverting back to self-sufficiency and pridefulness. And I HATE being self-sufficient and prideful!

I guess my plight is not a new one, however. Countless times in the Old Testament we see the Israelites humbling themselves before God and repenting of their sinful ways during trying times. But then, when things start getting better, they become selfish and begin worshipping idols and prostituting themselves to false gods again. It's an endless cycle. Often when I read these stories I think, "Really, God? I wouldn't save those selfish, stupid, low-lifes!"...but then I am reminded that I am just like them in so many ways...and then I grin and sheepishly say, "umm....thanks."

I so badly want this time to be different. I want to experience good times AND feel close to God. I want to receive His blessings AND give him all the glory. I want to be broken AND be fully alive and useful to Him. How do I do that? When will I learn?

For now I find grace in the passage in Romans that says, "So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Ah The Memories...

This song's dedicated to you, Tam...